On love (Part 2)
The nuances of friendships
When I was in secondary school, I struggled with friendships. I’ve commented on this several times in my past posts. I particularly struggled with feeling the love that friendships have to offer. I struggled with finding best friends or people I could relate to on a personal level or even feel seen by. Towards the end of secondary school or maybe the start of sixth form, I thought about how I had never received any romantic interest and was worried that I would be lonely forever. However, I asked myself, “How do you expect to find romantic love when you can’t even have friends?” This began my journey of finding friends and becoming a better friend.
Female friendships have to be the most fruitful relationships that women have been blessed with. From the end of secondary school till now, I have been blessed with some of the most amazing people I can call friends. This includes some people I went to secondary school with and we have found our way back to each other by reconnecting after such a long time. The one good thing about social media, I would say. Throughout this time, I have cultivated deep friendships that have allowed me to grow and mature into who I am today. When I compare my current friendships with the male friendships I had in secondary school, I realise and appreciate how I have found nothing short of love, care and understanding from all these women, which were lacking in my friendships with these boys.
In her best-selling book, Everything I Know about Love, Dolly Alderton reflects on her female friendships through the years, particularly stating, “Nearly everything I know about love, I have learnt in my long-term friendships with women.” In this book, Alderton gives a semi-fictional narration of her life, detailing certain experiences she pulled through by herself and with her friends and loved ones. In a very beautiful way, the entire book leads up to the part where this statement was made. It’s extremely sentimental and amazing. Anyway, I fully agree with the statement. My female friendships are the most fulfilling and enriching things about adulthood. Their companionship and the experiences I have shared with them have gotten me through pivotal moments that I will never forget. I strongly believe this is the case for so many of you.
bell hooks, the author of the book, All about love, describes friendships as “… a place in which a great majority of us have our first glimpse of redemptive love and caring community.” She discusses the immense value of these relationships, especially in a society where friendships are relegated and romantic relationships are given a higher rank. It is because of this relegation that we have much higher standards for our friendships than romantic partners and we accept (or forgive) the actions of our partners that we will terminate friendships for. We shouldn’t have differing standards for romantic relationships and friendships. Friendships and romantic relationships are not rivalrous - they both provide special benefits to us and are equally important. As hooks states in this book, “The more genuine our romantic loves the more we do not feel called upon to weaken or sever ties with friends in order to strengthen ties with romantic partners. Trust is the heartbeat of genuine love.” Later on, she further adds, “To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships… Satisfying friendships in which we share mutual love provides a guide for behavior in other relationships, including romantic ones. They provide us all with a way to know community.”
A lot of people on social media talk about how female friendships are one of the worst relationships. They are dramatic and toxic. I fully disagree and, honestly, these people could never be more wrong. I know some women are like this, but the gross over-generalisation and labelling of these friendships as such is dishonest. Men can be all of these things. As the popular tweet goes, “Think of the messiest b*tch you know. It’s a man, right?”
When reminiscing about my friendships in secondary school, I think about this essay in Aeon magazine titled, Loved, yet Lonely. In this essay, Kaitlyn Creasy details her experience of returning to her hometown after a transformational study-abroad programme. During the study-abroad programme, she had developed new interests and hobbies which were unknown to those around her. Through this experience, she highlights how one can become lonely through the lack of recognition of one’s worth and individuality. While the former causes loneliness amongst strangers, the latter causes loneliness amongst loving and familiar friendships or relationships.
The lack of recognition of one’s individuality causes one to feel that their friendship lacks quality and depth since their intricate needs are not met. People usually notice this lack of recognition after a life-altering event - for me, this was after I started secondary school. During my time in secondary school, I struggled with being seen and my social needs were never really met. As Creasy notes, “… our social needs go far beyond the impersonal recognition of our unconditional worth as human beings. These needs can be as widespread as a need for reciprocal emotional attachment or as restricted as a need for a certain level of intellectual engagement or creative exchange.” Fortunately, new friendships, which I later cultivated, provided hope for the end of such loneliness. And Creasy agrees. Having several friendships whereby each one satisfies a certain need could lead to an alleviation of the loneliness.
This doesn’t mean you should let go of your old friendships. Most times, these changes in your life could go unnoticed by the parties. As I have said previously (in the post, The death of a friendship), you have to take an active approach in your life. In this case, this would imply articulating your newly found desires to others and finding common ground especially if this is a friendship you care about. You should also ask your friends about changes in their interests and social needs. However, what happens when you can’t articulate this change in needs, maybe because you never noticed this change? Then, maybe we can accept that this type of loneliness, in some way, is inevitable and that’s okay. Just remember, you haven’t met everyone who will show you deep care and understanding and maybe just take this as the ebb and flow of life. It’s going to be fine.
In summary, (female) friendships are beautiful and you cherish them. Loneliness does occur in friendships, particularly when you realise the friendship lacks depth and your unique needs aren’t met. It doesn’t mean the friendship should end, maybe conversations just need to be had or maybe an understanding is reached where you realise that some friendships serve to satisfy certain needs and others don’t.
To conclude, I will leave you with the last paragraph of Everything I Know about Love.
“When you’re looking for love and it seems like you might not ever find it, remember you probably have access to an abundance of it already, just not the romantic kind. This kind of love might not kiss you in the rain or propose to you in marriage. But it will listen to you, inspire and restore you. It will hold you when you cry, celebrate you when you’re happy and sing All Saints with you when you’re drunk. You have so much to gain and learn from this kind of love. You can carry it with you for ever. Keep it as close to you as you can.”
My darlings, it is, in fact, February. Happy New Year!
Here’s my weekly REPORT. I’ve been reading, drum roll please, … Klara and the Sun. Underwhelming, I know. But I have also been reading, All about love by bell hooks and the essay, Loved, yet Lonely. I have been eating bean loaf. This is essentially yassified moi-moi - you simply bake the moi-moi instead of steaming it. I have been playing nothing. I have been obsessing over this topic because friendship is something so dear to me and I love reading about it. I will be recommending the Love, yet lonely article as well as the following books: All about love by bell hooks, Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton and Beautiful World, Where are you? by Sally Rooney. Finally, I have been treating myself to curry goat and rice - lovely stuff honestly.
This week has been boring because the new semester just started and I have been trying to find my footing. Hoping next week is better. Love you lots <3333.